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~~~((~~~((@ Tuxedo Mask, The Token Male @))~~~))~~~~
Now you too, can be the one men envy and women sigh over. The one, the only, the Token Male of Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Mask. For here, we will teach you, in ten easy steps, the secrets to becoming just like Tuxedo Mask and being adored by all females [and be warned, the occasional male] in your vicinity.
FRINGE BENEFITS: you will be constantly surrounded by sexy young women with impossibly long or impossibly coloured hair, very short skirts and long, long legs. And heh, heh, heh, you will have no other male competition--even the villains are mostly female, and they will be wearing even less than the Sailor Senshi, you lucky, lucky guy. Don't worry, you will always look taller than them, whatever your height. What did you THINK that top hat was for, you dummy?
STEP 1
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THE ENTRANCE.
First, hurl a steel-tipped rose from a great height--and never
miss. The Senshi are allowed to miss the target. Remember, you
aren't. Most important, a spectacular entrance is *essential* to
your mystique. Try appearing from a billboard full of *other*
tuxedo-clad guys, come disguised as Santa Claus, or at least,
from high above, cape waving in the breeze, from a lamppost. The
above part is very important. Women must look UP to you.
STEP 2
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THE HAIKU.
You must always say a haiku which appears to be directed at the youma of the week, but is really intended to impress Sailor Moon and her friends. Fortunately for you, she's easily impressed. Sprinkle your poetic words of wisdom with some reference to never dashing the dreams of sweet innocent young girls.
Yes, let 'em keep their dreams, for you too are a dream figure, and you must strive to never become quite real.
Finish by saying, in your sternest tone of voice, that because this youma has done something to disturb the fantasies of young girls, you, Tuxedo Kamen, will not tolerate this, and will PUNISH this monster.
NOTE: you feel very strongly about this--you LIKE young girls to fantasize, preferably about YOU. [The fact that you're about to be struck down, and Sailor Moon will do most of the punishing, is not important to your credibility here. Remember, the pep talk is far more important than what you actually do. A secret all true leaders know.]
STEP 3
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TAKE THE HIT, AND FALL.
To be Tuxedo Mask means standing in the line of fire and getting hit dead on, usually to prevent Sailor Moon taking the hit. It's your job--the silly girl never gets out of the way in time--she likes to stay there mesmerized, like a deer transfixed in the headlights of an oncoming car. So take the hit. Now groan, really painfully [because secretly, it turns you on when Sailor Moon cries over you].
Now topple over, and lie prone. Try to look as pathetic as possible. You can lose the top hat now. The girls wanna look at your nice thick dark hair. And lose the mask, so they can see those beautiful blue eyes. And now you can stay lying there for the rest of the episode, if you like. All the hard work is done. [She prefers imagining you horizontal, anyway.]
STEP 4
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WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT.
You don't wanna have to do TOO much work, do you? So now, you will cleverly say a few words of encouragement to Sailor Moon and the other senshi. Mutter things like their strength is in their friendship, and that we must all fight as one. They will be so dazzled by these speeches of yours, they won't even notice that you disappeared...AGAIN, and didn't stick around to "fight as one."
STEP 5
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CONTROL, ALWAYS CONTROL.
Being Tuxedo Mask means NEVER giving in to your normal adolescent male impulses. Look all you want, but don't touch. Even if her little red ribbons unravel, and Sailor Moon is exposed to your [Drool] view. At least, not unless she's dying. Then you are allowed the occasional clinch. The point of all this is, to drive Sailor Moon absolutely CRAZY with frustration. So when you finally DO give in to your impulses, heh, heh, heh, she won't be able to resist you.
STEP 6
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DISAPPEAR MYSTERIOUSLY. ALWAYS LEAVE 'EM WANTING MORE.
Having said your words of encouragement, you must now disappear, as quickly as possible, cape flying into the night. Where do you go, and why? Keep 'em guessing. They don't need to know it's nowhere very interesting. The point is, don't ever stay around long enough that they take your exciting presence for granted.
STEP 7
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DIGNITY, ALWAYS DIGNITY.
Never lose your temper, never give in to your emotions. Is she about to strike that pink-haired brat in helpless rage? Grab her hand to restrain her, and shake your head at her. She will respect the fact that YOU kept your composure, and did not say anything to hurt either of them. What an inspiring example you are to Sailor Moon, who believes the best thing to do with an impulse is to give in to it!
STEP 8
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THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE.
Having said your haiku, and your words of encouragement, you are no longer called upon to say very much. You should gaze soulfully, look concerned, but do NOT ever let her know what you're thinking. Men are a mystery and should stay that way. Let those expressive blue eyes speak for you--let HER fill in the blanks with her fantasies.
By the way, I hope you are up to standing still looking concerned for LONG periods of time. In one episode, the Love Of Your Life and her friends are captured by a UFO, and you are going to be required to stand there looking up, concerned, for the entire rest of the episode, and you will STILL be standing there for the entire next episode.
So I hope your feet don't go to sleep while you're standing there, and standing there, and wondering if Sailor Moon and her friends are still alive. Because when they escape, they aren't even going to bother to let you know.
You are only the Token Male, after all. Your job is just to stand there silently, and look handsome and worried.
STEP 9
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BE VERY UNAVAILABLE FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME.
Now here's where you get back at them for ignoring you when the action's going on. You have to be totally unavailable, preferably captured by the enemy, for many many episodes. The mental torture this will inflict on weepy Sailor Moon [and oh, she's SO SEXY when she cries, isn't she? Now admit it, this is why you do this!] will make her all the more grateful to see you when you finally come back. You wouldn't want her to get TOO used to having you around, and taking you for granted, would you?
STEP 10
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BE PATIENT AND KIND TO EVERYONE, EVEN SMALL OBNOXIOUS PINK RUG RATS.
Though Sailor Moon will NEVER admit it, she is inspired by your example. At the subconscious level, she realizes a guy who actually likes looking after an obnoxious kid like Chibi Usa is probably going to be good father material someday. And she can't help noticing you can cook, that your apartment is always immaculate.
Hmmm. Marry him, and you may get out of babysitting, cooking and cleaning. Not a bad marital prospect at all.
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And what is this, you may ask? Why, it's a steel-tipped rose, Internet style! Now you can send steel-tipped roses to ALL your friends AND enemies. Wasn't that nice of me to create the graphic? You're welcome! /(^_-)\ If you are sending a *romantic* rose to Sailor Moon, or Tuxedo Mask, or other: [INSERT NAME HERE], you send THIS one @))~~~))~~~~ which has a curving non-steel stem, not suitable for battle, but certainly suitable for romance.
P.S. When I first posted this to alt.fan.sailor-moon, the Usenet discussion group, one female fan felt I was making fun of her beloved Tuxie. Let me set the record straight, once and for all. NEVER! NEVER! I worship the ground Tuxedo Mask FALLS on! Do I make myself clear?
Sayonara! [A Goddess is way too dignified to say Ja ne ;p]
Pandora-sama /(^_^)\ ============((===========(@ pwaldron@idirect.com
