A Scandal In Crystal Tokyo
[a Sailor Moon parody]


"All the news that's unfit for human ears"
"All the latest gossip on the scandalous Royal Family"

Today's Weather: Frequent thunderstorms with occasional YoumasCrystal Tokyo Enquirer reporter, Esmerodo Moon

High Today: + 140 C
Low Today: - 200 C


A Scandal In Crystal Tokyo!

by our Investigative Reporter, Ms. Esmerodo Moon
It has recently come to the attention of this reporter that our beloved little Princess, the Small Lady, may NOT be the legitimate heiress to the Serenity Throne after all. It is with deep regret that we pass on this shocking news to you, our faithful readers, knowing how beloved and simply "kawaii" her Precious Pink-Haired Highness is to all of the citizens of Crystal Tokyo.

As you all know, the Serenity Throne passes through the female line ONLY. Therefore, any doubt as to the maternal parentage of the prospective heiress must, under Moon Kingdom law, make that heiress ineligible to become the next Queen. And given that during their 1000 years (and counting) marriage, Neo Queen Serenity and King Endymion have produced no other offspring, this certainly presents a dilemma to our Royal Family. One that may cast into grave doubt, the relevancy of the monarchy in modern Crystal Tokyo society.

But facts are facts, painful as they may be, and we DEEPLY REGRET MOST SINCERELY any pain or embarrassment this revelation may cause to our most beloved Sovereign, Neo-Queen Serenity, and to her Consort, King Endymion. More especially in this year, Annus Horribilus, where one scandal after another has shaken the people's faith in our once beloved and most respected monarchy.

There are some who will say that given the corruption in this once purified Crystal Tokyo, the citizens should rise up and cast down the imperialistic and despotic Serenity ruling family, and make a strike for freedom under a Black Moon People's Republic of Crystal Tokyo. But NEVER here at the Enquirer would we DREAM of suggesting such a thing. We have nothing but the most sincere reverence for her Most Serene Majesty and the fortitude she has shown through this crisis.

And now, exclusively for Enquirer readers, we present some excerpts from Neo Queen Serenity's Diary. This is the first of several such excerpts which will be carried, right here in my column.

So keep watching this space!


August 3, 3097 Chapter 4004: The 700-Year Itch

Dear Diary,

Why, that two-timing, tuxedo-wearing twerp!
Why, that time-stealing tramp!
I knew I couldn't trust anybody who couldn't even stay in her own orbit like other planets!

I should have known, that night he came home with pink transformation lipstick on the tuxedo collar! I knew it couldn't be Uranus or Neptune--he was safe from THEIR attentions. No, it was me who had to beat off Uranus with a crystal wand!

Damn, why did SHE have to be there when my Tuxedo Kamen got the 700 year itch?
The last time he was *in the mood* was after I deprogrammed him from Queen Beryl's influence. But like an idiot, I didn't kiss him when it might have done some good, just cause my friends didn't get to kiss THEIR boyfriends. And now it's too late...he won't be interested for ANOTHER 700 years!

Well, I'm not little Usagi anymore, and I don't have to take this B.S.
I'm neo-Queen Serenity now, and I KICK ASS. So as Queen of Crystal Tokyo, *I* don't have to share MY kingdom or even my time line with that palace-wrecker.
So I've banished Setsuna to the time portal. I've told everyone that it's her job to be the guardian of Time, but she and I know what's REALLY going down.

Setsuna, you better hide yourself in that time portal--if you come out, you're in DEEP, DEEP trouble. No, let me re-phrase that. If you, Sailor Pluto, ever show your face in Crystal Tokyo again, in the name of the moon, I'll punish you!!
God and Buddha may forgive you, but I won't!!

And as for that pink-haired brat of theirs, I can hardly bear to look at her.
So every time she shows up, I send her back to the 20th century, and I tell her it's for *Sailor Senshi* training. How much trouble can the little spore cause back then, anyway?
[The diary entries end at that point, but immediately afterwards, in a scrawlly, childish handwriting, appear the words: "Ha ha ha ha ha!! I stole your diary!!" Crystal Tokyo historical records show that immediately after Neo-Queen Serenity discovered *certain personal records* to be missing, she fell into a dead faint, and had to be placed in a crystal to recover.]

In a somewhat more schoolgirlish writing, and in 20th-century Japanese, the diary continues:

I don't know what the heck this says, but I took this book away from the little spore, Chibi Usa. She says it's her Mom's diary, and that she ran away from home with it. Sounds just like the miserable sneaky little wretch. She's also told me her Mom fainted after she found her diary gone. Something about it mustn't get into the wrong hands. I've told her to go back home NOW and tell her Mom the diary's safe here with me. I can't read it anyway.

No way I'll ever give it back to the little spore. Damn, I'm sure it's full of juicy stuff about the future. And now I'll NEVER know.

[Crystal Tokyo historical records show that after the Small Lady whispered something in Neo-Queen Serenity's ear, she sat up for the first time after being in a dead faint for months, while encased in a healing crystal. Her first words on awakening were, "Well, go back there and GET THAT BOOK! And don't come home until you bring it back!" She then wrote a letter and gave it to the Small Lady.

It is believed the letter referred to more Sailor Senshi training for the Small Lady.]

And now, dear readers, you know the REAL story!!

---October 5, 3197--- ============================================================

"Responsible news for responsible people"
"Read the paper your Boss reads!"

****VOTED MOST POPULAR PAPER, 3196!****Crystal Tokyo Moon reporter Luna at her
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Weather: Sunny, warm, and purring
High Today: 20 C
Low Today: 20 C
"A good day for stretching out in the grass and taking time to smell the catnip."


Crystal Tokyo Enquirer Building Destroyed: Sabotage Suspected, Say Police
by our Star Reporter, Luna Tsukino



Early this morning, downtown Crystal Tokyo was wracked by a series of seemingly natural disasters which appear to have resulted in the complete destruction of the Queen Beryl Memorial Tower (QBM Tower), headquarters building of our rival paper, The Crystal Tokyo Enquirer.

The Enquirer, a fully-owned subsidiary of Black Moon Corporation, International, has often been the target of some controversy in the past. They have been sued successfully for libelling various Crystal Tokyo celebrities over the years, but have always somehow managed to survive, due in part to the deep pockets of Enquirer founder and publisher, Prince Diamando. His fabulous collection of diamonds, and other precious gems is legendary. But also in part, due to the insatiable demands of Enquirer readers for more and more celebrity scandal and gossip, especially centring around the Royal Family in recent years.Crystal Tokyo Enquirer publisher,
 rare gem collector & wealthy playboy, Prince Diamondo

The dashing Diamando, as he is simply called, is also well known as the most eligible bachelor of royal blood in town, appearing at many fashionable society charity events at which a great deal of ENERGY is always expended to make the occasion just perfect.

Those who have been fortunate enough to attend Diamando-sponsored events report that it's quite a workout. "You come out feeling you've done your little bit for the needy people of Crystal Tokyo, But, wow! It REALLY drains your energy!" said one wealthy patron, who has donated heavily to various Diamando causes.

At about 1:04 AM this morning, lightning struck the QBM Tower, shorting out its electronic protective field, which prevents damage from fire, flood, ice, or other natural disasters common in Crystal Tokyo.

Shortly thereafter, a ring of fire balls seemed to materialize around the QBM Tower. The fire balls converged on the building, and consumed it in flames. A large glowing chain then surrounded the Tower's remaining girders, pulling them down with more efficiency than a wrecking company. Then, within minutes, the temperature dropped rapidly, and the remaining rubble of the building was encased in sheets of ice, which then cracked, splitting the rubble of the building into atoms.

Crystal Tokyo police, asked to comment on the cause of the disasters, would only say that witnesses heard the following phrases shouted, immediately before the building was destroyed:

Sparkling Vital Pressure!
Burning Mantra!
Venus Lovely Chain!
Shining Aqua Illusion!

Crystal Tokyo Security Chief Haruka Ten'oh, when asked for her comments, smiled grimly, and said that given the many enemies The Enquirer had made for themselves over the years, pinpointing the perpetrators was going to be a difficult job. One that might take a long, long time. Years, in fact. "But you can't rush these things," explained Ten'oh. "My people are VERY professional and we want to VERY SURE before we go and accuse some innocent person."

When asked if these disasters might have some possible connection to the recent release by The Enquirer of a series of excerpts, purported to be from Neo-Queen Serenity's Diary, Ten'oh would only say,"There has not been one shred of evidence shown so far by The Enquirer, that these purported excerpts were material ever written by her Most Serene Majesty, or that indeed, that her Majesty has ever owned such a Diary. Such unsubstantiated garbage as this is hardly worth someone's time to commit sabotage on the Queen Beryl Memorial Tower. Now don't let your imagination run away with you, Ms. Luna."

Crystal Palace Public Relations Spokeswoman, Michiru Kaioh, when interviewed outside the Palace by this reporter, downplayed the significance of the Diary excerpts. "People are always trying to discredit the Royal Family, because Neo-Queen Serenity's unselfish love is such a role model for our citizens, that she has made some powerful enemies. But the tradition of monarchy will endure in our time, despite the scandal mongerers."

Does Neo-Queen Serenity have any words of wisdom for our people? I asked. "No," said Michiru with a smile. "Her Majesty, as usual, has no comment whatsoever on the contents of Enquirer publications. And you should know that, Luna."

And what about that article last year in The Enquirer last year, about a possible conflict of interest, due to your purported "close relationship" with Crystal Tokyo Security Chief Haruka? "This interview is now OVER," snapped Michiru.

The above selected headline news articles from two Crystal Tokyo newspapers have been teleported to you by:

Pandora Diane Waldron
Toronto, Ontario

"Tuxedo Kamen--My Only Two Dimensional Lust"


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