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THE CRYSTAL TOKYO ENQUIRER-----October 4, 3197
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"All the
news that's unfit for human ears"
"All the latest gossip on the scandalous Royal Family"
Today's Weather: Frequent thunderstorms with occasional Youmas
High Today: + 140 C
Low Today: - 200 C
OUR HEADLINE STORY...
A Scandal In Crystal
Tokyo!
by our Investigative
Reporter, Ms. Esmerodo Moon
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It has recently come to the
attention of this reporter that our beloved little Princess, the
Small Lady, may NOT be the legitimate heiress to the Serenity
Throne after all. It is with deep regret that we pass on this
shocking news to you, our faithful readers, knowing how beloved
and simply "kawaii" her Precious Pink-Haired Highness
is to all of the citizens of Crystal Tokyo.
As you all know, the Serenity Throne passes through the female
line ONLY. Therefore, any doubt as to the maternal parentage of
the prospective heiress must, under Moon Kingdom law, make that
heiress ineligible to become the next Queen. And given that
during their 1000 years (and counting) marriage, Neo Queen
Serenity and King Endymion have produced no other offspring, this
certainly presents a dilemma to our Royal Family. One that may
cast into grave doubt, the relevancy of the monarchy in modern
Crystal Tokyo society.
But facts are facts, painful as they may be, and we DEEPLY REGRET
MOST SINCERELY any pain or embarrassment this revelation may
cause to our most beloved Sovereign, Neo-Queen Serenity, and to
her Consort, King Endymion. More especially in this year, Annus
Horribilus, where one scandal after another has shaken the
people's faith in our once beloved and most respected monarchy.
There are some who will say that given the corruption in this
once purified Crystal Tokyo, the citizens should rise up and cast
down the imperialistic and despotic Serenity ruling family, and
make a strike for freedom under a Black Moon People's Republic of
Crystal Tokyo. But NEVER here at the Enquirer would we DREAM of
suggesting such a thing. We have nothing but the most sincere
reverence for her Most Serene Majesty and the fortitude she has
shown through this crisis.
And now, exclusively for Enquirer readers, we present some
excerpts from Neo Queen Serenity's Diary. This is the first of
several such excerpts which will be carried, right here in my
column.
So keep watching this space!
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August 3, 3097 Chapter
4004: The 700-Year Itch
Dear Diary,
Why, that two-timing, tuxedo-wearing twerp!
Why, that time-stealing tramp!
I knew I couldn't trust anybody who couldn't even stay in her own
orbit like other planets!
I should have known, that night he came home with pink
transformation lipstick on the tuxedo collar! I knew it couldn't
be Uranus or Neptune--he was safe from THEIR attentions. No, it
was me who had to beat off Uranus with a crystal wand!
Damn, why did SHE have to be there when my Tuxedo Kamen got the
700 year itch?
The last time he was *in the mood* was after I deprogrammed him
from Queen Beryl's influence. But like an idiot, I didn't kiss
him when it might have done some good, just cause my friends
didn't get to kiss THEIR boyfriends. And now it's too late...he
won't be interested for ANOTHER 700 years!
Well, I'm not little Usagi anymore, and I don't have to take this
B.S.
I'm neo-Queen Serenity now, and I KICK ASS. So as Queen of
Crystal Tokyo, *I* don't have to share MY kingdom or even my time
line with that palace-wrecker.
So I've banished Setsuna to the time portal. I've told everyone
that it's her job to be the guardian of Time, but she and I know
what's REALLY going down.
Setsuna, you better hide yourself in that time portal--if you
come out, you're in DEEP, DEEP trouble. No, let me re-phrase
that. If you, Sailor Pluto, ever show your face in Crystal Tokyo
again, in the name of the moon, I'll punish you!!
God and Buddha may forgive you, but I won't!!
And as for that pink-haired brat of theirs, I can hardly bear to
look at her.
So every time she shows up, I send her back to the 20th century,
and I tell her it's for *Sailor Senshi* training. How much
trouble can the little spore cause back then, anyway?
*** [The diary entries end at that point, but immediately
afterwards, in a scrawlly, childish handwriting, appear the
words: "Ha ha ha ha ha!! I stole your diary!!" Crystal
Tokyo historical records show that immediately after Neo-Queen
Serenity discovered *certain personal records* to be missing, she
fell into a dead faint, and had to be placed in a crystal to
recover.]
In a somewhat more schoolgirlish writing, and in 20th-century
Japanese, the diary continues:
I don't know what the heck this says, but I took this book
away from the little spore, Chibi Usa. She says it's her Mom's
diary, and that she ran away from home with it. Sounds just like
the miserable sneaky little wretch. She's also told me her Mom
fainted after she found her diary gone. Something about it
mustn't get into the wrong hands. I've told her to go back home
NOW and tell her Mom the diary's safe here with me. I can't read
it anyway.
No way I'll ever give it back to the little spore. Damn, I'm sure
it's full of juicy stuff about the future. And now I'll NEVER
know.
***
[Crystal Tokyo historical records show that after the Small Lady
whispered something in Neo-Queen Serenity's ear, she sat up for
the first time after being in a dead faint for months, while
encased in a healing crystal. Her first words on awakening were,
"Well, go back there and GET THAT BOOK! And don't come home
until you bring it back!" She then wrote a letter and gave
it to the Small Lady.
It is believed the letter referred to more Sailor Senshi training
for the Small Lady.]
And now, dear readers, you know the REAL story!! ============================================================ THE CRYSTAL TOKYO MOON
---October 5, 3197---
============================================================ "Responsible news
for responsible people"
"Read the paper your Boss reads!" ****VOTED MOST
POPULAR PAPER, 3196!**** "For Upwardly
Mobile Citizens of Crystal Tokyo"
Weather: Sunny, warm, and purring
High Today: 20 C
Low Today: 20 C "A good day for stretching out in the grass and taking
time to smell the catnip."
OUR TOP STORY
Crystal Tokyo
Enquirer Building Destroyed: Sabotage Suspected, Say Police by our Star Reporter,
Luna Tsukino
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Early this morning,
downtown Crystal Tokyo was wracked by a series of seemingly
natural disasters which appear to have resulted in the complete
destruction of the Queen Beryl Memorial Tower (QBM Tower),
headquarters building of our rival paper, The Crystal Tokyo
Enquirer.
The Enquirer, a fully-owned subsidiary of Black Moon
Corporation, International, has often been the target of some
controversy in the past. They have been sued successfully for
libelling various Crystal Tokyo celebrities over the years, but
have always somehow managed to survive, due in part to the deep
pockets of Enquirer founder and publisher, Prince Diamando. His
fabulous collection of diamonds, and other precious gems is
legendary. But also in part, due to the insatiable demands of
Enquirer readers for more and more celebrity scandal and gossip,
especially centring around the Royal Family in recent years.
The dashing Diamando, as he is simply called, is also well known
as the most eligible bachelor of royal blood in town, appearing
at many fashionable society charity events at which a great deal
of ENERGY is always expended to make the occasion just perfect.
Those who have been fortunate enough to attend Diamando-sponsored
events report that it's quite a workout. "You come out
feeling you've done your little bit for the needy people of
Crystal Tokyo, But, wow! It REALLY drains your energy!" said
one wealthy patron, who has donated heavily to various Diamando
causes.
At about 1:04 AM this morning, lightning struck the QBM Tower,
shorting out its electronic protective field, which prevents
damage from fire, flood, ice, or other natural disasters common
in Crystal Tokyo.
Shortly thereafter, a ring of fire balls seemed to materialize
around the QBM Tower. The fire balls converged on the building,
and consumed it in flames. A large glowing chain then surrounded
the Tower's remaining girders, pulling them down with more
efficiency than a wrecking company. Then, within minutes, the
temperature dropped rapidly, and the remaining rubble of the
building was encased in sheets of ice, which then cracked,
splitting the rubble of the building into atoms.
Crystal Tokyo police, asked to comment on the cause of the
disasters, would only say that witnesses heard the following
phrases shouted, immediately before the building was destroyed:
Crystal Tokyo Security Chief Haruka Ten'oh, when asked for her
comments, smiled grimly, and said that given the many enemies The
Enquirer had made for themselves over the years, pinpointing
the perpetrators was going to be a difficult job. One that might
take a long, long time. Years, in fact. "But you can't rush
these things," explained Ten'oh. "My people are VERY
professional and we want to VERY SURE before we go and accuse
some innocent person."
When asked if these disasters might have some possible connection
to the recent release by The Enquirer of a series of
excerpts, purported to be from Neo-Queen Serenity's Diary, Ten'oh
would only say,"There has not been one shred of evidence
shown so far by The Enquirer, that these purported
excerpts were material ever written by her Most Serene Majesty,
or that indeed, that her Majesty has ever owned such a Diary.
Such unsubstantiated garbage as this is hardly worth someone's
time to commit sabotage on the Queen Beryl Memorial Tower. Now
don't let your imagination run away with you, Ms. Luna."
Crystal Palace Public Relations Spokeswoman, Michiru Kaioh, when
interviewed outside the Palace by this reporter, downplayed the
significance of the Diary excerpts. "People are always
trying to discredit the Royal Family, because Neo-Queen
Serenity's unselfish love is such a role model for our citizens,
that she has made some powerful enemies. But the tradition of
monarchy will endure in our time, despite the scandal
mongerers."
Does Neo-Queen Serenity have any words of wisdom for our people?
I asked. "No," said Michiru with a smile. "Her
Majesty, as usual, has no comment whatsoever on the contents of Enquirer
publications. And you should know that, Luna."
And what about that article last year in The Enquirer last
year, about a possible conflict of interest, due to your
purported "close relationship" with Crystal Tokyo
Security Chief Haruka? "This interview is now OVER,"
snapped Michiru.
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The above selected headline news articles from two Crystal Tokyo
newspapers have been teleported to you by:
