Is this why I took you, a scared young girl, told you to believe in yourself, felt my love kindle for you all over again, and watched you at last become the Princess you really are, was it just so you could give your sweet young life away? At the moment you ceased to be, I felt your essence, like a radiant beam of warmth and love, go inside me and fill me with a joy so close to pain. Never have I felt such a wave of love for you, filling my being. I will never, never feel this way again, I know it.

But now the arms that reached for me are limp, and your eyes will never look at me in that special way again. Your hair like golden silk brushes against me, but you sleep the sleep from which there is no awakening. Dimly, I am aware of Rei, in tears, calling "Usagi!", in despair, and trying to shake your arms. I feel as if a vise were squeezing my chest and my throat is tight and painful.

So I can't speak, for the pain inside me. But I will not let go of you, Usako. I am going to hold onto you until my arms drop. And I will never leave you. I will join you very soon. There is nothing now left for me to live for. I failed you once more. And I will pay the price, oh so gladly.

To be with you again.

One by one, all the memories I have of you float to the surface, each memory burning your face across my mind, each one a fresh pain. There you are fretting about failing a test again, and I hear myself saying we shouldn't see each other so often, that you need to study more. And then I see your little face droop sadly, and I think, "Idiot! Idiot! What did it matter?" I should have spent every second, every moment with you. Life is too short, too short.

I see you fall to your knees running after me, that time when I was afraid that I would be the cause of your death. I still don't know why I've been having those nightmares that something terrible will happen to you if we are together. I've stopped listening to them, and thank God for that. Or we wouldn't have even had today. But as I see you again, anguish in your voice, asking why I don't care any more, I don't know how I can keep my body from trembling. It's only from years of hiding my feelings, of rigid self-control, that I was able to stay still that time, and not let on.... Not let on just how badly I wanted to seize you in my arms and kiss you over and over until every last tear was gone. But I didn't.

What a big brave guy I was to listen to stupid nightmares like that, so clever of me not to show how much I love you. I have hurt you, so many times, just as Mikata-chan* always predicted I would. She said we always hurt the ones we love, even without meaning to. And I did it to you again with Fiore. As if I haven't hurt you enough already, I had to make you worry that you don't come first in my heart, first, last and always.

I'm a coward. Such a coward. Not afraid to climb a rooftop, but afraid to trust you with the truth, my Usako. You deserved better than that from me, you who always trusted me with all your feelings, you who gave me so much love without my even asking. I know that if I could talk to you now, I would just hold you for a long time, and tell you, I will always be honest with you, from now on. No more secrets between us. But I was already given a second chance to make things right with you in this life. To rebuild your confidence, so you could reach your true powers as Princess Serenity once more.

And I will never forget the sense of wonder and joy I felt when I saw you, my love, looking even more beautiful than ever I had seen you, in this life or the one that came before. But it just wasn't enough. I am weak in heart still. That is why I have lost you again.

Now I can feel your cheek, your hand, warm against my knee, your eyes looking into mine. You are saying you will be my family now, that I will never be alone any more. Just the way a little girl, long ago, put her cheek in my lap, and told me not to cry. And gave me a rose. That was you, and I've only just realized it. But oh my Usako, you are gone. No one, no one, can ever take your place. Fiore thought he could. He never could. No one is like my Usako. No one else makes me feel the way you do. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

*AUTHOR'S NOTE: Suzuki Mikata, the orphanage director

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Fiore's Gift
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Fujiwara no Yoshitaka

Kimi ga tame
Oshi karazarishi
Inochi sae
Nagaku mo gana to
Omoi keru kana

HAIKU TRANSLATION:

For your precious sake,
Once my eager life itself
Was not dear to me.
But now it is my heart's desire
It may long, long years endure.

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Out of nowhere, I see Fiore, materializing before me. A strange aura hangs in the air around him, a glow, the kind of glow you only see in one who has been touched by the power of the Illusion Silver Crystal. His eyes are soft and full of sadness and understanding. It is a Fiore I have never seen before. His voice speaks in my mind, saying that Sailor Moon and I have saved him, saved his soul from forever being lost to the evil of the Kisenian flower. And he holds out a flower, a shimmering white lily, pure as the first light of dawn. And tells me it is his essence, a nectar of life, that I am to give to Sailor Moon. So this is the gift you waited so long to bring me, Fiore.

Not a flower of selfish desire and possession, but of unselfish sacrifice, giving your life, that she might live.

This time, there is no hesitation in my mind, as there was when Queen Serenity gave her life for all of us. Sometime, somehow, you have to learn to trust. To trust your instincts, and your heart, that this feels right, and not to question it. Faith. A word that has taken me two lifetimes to learn.

I sip the nectar and hold her close to me. I can feel the nectar inside me now, and it is the very opposite of the Kisenian flower, seeming to strengthen all the good feelings inside, love, courage, faith, hope, joy. I can sense all these feelings intensifying in me, in the space of seconds. And with everything I feel inside me, my heart, my soul, my mind, I kiss her.

There is nothing else in the world, just this incredible feeling. And gradually, I feel her body stirring under mine, warming, her lips responding to mine. And then her eyes, like the pale blue of a summer sky, are looking up at me, and I hear her say, in a voice of such tenderness, "Mamo-chan." A name I thought I would never hear again.

"I told you," she says, looking at me with love in her eyes, "I told you..." she says, looking over at all her friends, who are, like me, too overcome to speak, "I would protect you all."

My sweet Usako, always thinking of everyone else first. And then my tears are falling unchecked, and I don't care who sees.

Rei, Makoto, Minako, and Ami, all crowd around us, wanting to touch you, talk to you, in tears like me. But I'm not letting go of you, Usako. I will never let you go. I don't think I will ever care who's watching again.

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We are home now. Usako is still a little weak, and she is leaning on my shoulder. The girls are bubbling over with enthusiasm, as usual. "So, where do you wanna go now? How about burgers and a fudge sundae?"

For Tsukino Usagi, these are usually the magic words. But Usako looks over at me, pleading in her eyes. She, who lives to eat, this isn't quite what she needs right now.

And I tighten my arm around her. And looking them all right in the eyes, I clear my throat. It takes a moment for them to notice this. Good grief, is Mamoru going to say something about this?

Then Usako's continuing silence has its own effect, and I have their full attention. "Actually, I think Usako and I have some unfinished business to intend to...alone."

There are murmurs, grins, but then I give them the LOOK. The one that stopped numerous psychologists and social workers in mid-sentence. The look that says, "Yes? You gotta problem with that?"

And then their eyes fall away from mine...THEY are embarrassed. "Uh, yes," says Ami, the first to regain her composure. "I guess Usagi-chan must be tired, and we'd better be getting along. Hadn't we?" she says, looking around at the others. "Anyway, I need to study a couple of hours tonight. I've been slacking off." The others groan.

"Not me!" cries Makoto. "I hear those burgers and shakes calling me, how about you, Minako, Rei? Wanna try out my new hibachi? I can fix some fruit shakes in the blender. And you guys haven't seen my ice cream machine yet, have you? I'll teach you how to use it, it's easy!"

"Makoto, you are the best!" Minako grins.

"Absolutely!" agrees Rei. Rei drops an arm around Ami. "Oh, come on, Ami-chan! The studying can wait an hour or two, can't it? You gotta FEED that brain of yours, don't you?" Ami giggles.

And they leave. You'd never know there had been that uncomfortable moment from their faces now.

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Usako looks up at me, her little face so weary that my heart turns over; I can see she wouldn't have been up to arguing, or persuading anyone at this point.

"Arigato," she says softly, burying her face in my neck. I close my arms tight around her...you couldn't get a toothpick between us.

And I look down at her, grinning. "My pleasure. Any time."

There is a very long silence. All I can hear is our two hearts, beating, my eyes shut, my cheek against hers. Finally, I whisper to her. "Usako?"

"Yes?" She answers softly, her breath warm against my neck.

I take a deep breath. "I am...so sorry...about what happened at Rose Park. I'll never let you down again like that. Ummm...do you think maybe I could have that kiss now?"

Some time later..."Mamo-chan?"

"Yes?"

"I think they may be still watching us, somewhere."

Oh no...we're not starting THAT again. And pulling her against me more firmly, I reply, "Good! Let's give them something to watch, then!"

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I have never felt anything remotely like this before. It feels as if she is melting against me. I couldn't stop now, even if I wanted to. But I still have... a little bit of control yet. Enough to tilt her chin up in my hand, so I can look into her eyes.

"Usako? I've changed my mind. Let's go somewhere...quieter...shall we?"

A slow smile spreads across her face. All the answer I need.

"Oh, and, Usako?"

"Yes?"

"You'll always be my Princess. Don't ever forget it, will you?"

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The sun is setting. She is still in my arms. And that's all I'm going to tell you.

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And there ends Pandora-sama's re-telling of The R Movie, her personal favourite of all the Sailor Moon anime episodes, specials and movies. You do NOT want to know how many 1000 times I've watched my grainy Chinatown copy of a copy of a videotape, or hear me sing "Moon Revenge" in Japanese [the best song in the Sailor Moon collection, IMO, also.] The first verse, in translation, is SO romantic:

Grasping tightly to a love you found your way to at last
You gently rest asleep
Laying a good-bye kiss on your closed eyelid
I left you behind in the Garden of Time.

The Garden of Time....now there's a Garden I want to visit someday....a place where beautiful memories grow, of that I have no doubt. And on that note, I leave you behind to romantic dreams of shining wonder, in your own Garden of Time. If you have any comments on this fanfic, please drop me a line at pwaldron@idirect.com

Sayonara!

Pandora-sama

A Virtual Goddess, transported to this time line, hence the -sama
Please bow very low as you leave /(^_-)\

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