~~~<<~~(@ Usagi's Dark Day At The Dentist @)>~~>>~~~
A memoir of Chiba Mamoru, as re-told to Pandora Diane Waldron
"Mystery glows in the rose bed, the secret is hidden in the rose." --Farid ud-din Attar, 12th Century Persian poet.
READER'S WARNING: This is a very dark, dark fanfic. Dark, like a rotting tooth [SNICKER].
Based on Sailor Moon Episode 153, which I believe has NOT been subbed yet...the fools. Fortunately, you don't need to know Japanese or Cantonese to follow this one...it is completely visual...which is how I was able to write this, with hardly any knowledge of Japanese /(^_-)\.
Pandora-sama...a Virtual Goddess, transported to this time line...Do NOT forget the -sama, therefore, and bow very low as you leave.
You know us pretty well by this time, I'm sure. You know me, Chiba Mamoru, also known as Tuxedo Kamen, protector to two lovely girls, Tsukino Usagi, also known as Sailor Moon, and to Chibi Usa, our future handful, also known as Sailor Chibi Moon.
So I bet you think you know this about us: that if I were to ask Usagi [I call her Usako, or sometimes just Usa these days] or Chibi Usa to come somewhere with me, they'd follow me to the ends of my Planet, the Earth. Sorry if that sounds as if I'm totally vain, but it's true...any idea how hard it is for me to get some study time alone, with those lively two underfoot? Let's just say I've gotten used to having one arm holding the book I'm reading and the other holding whoever's on the couch with me at the moment. Keeps everybody happy, more or less.
Then I completely focus on my studies and completely ignore whatever noise, squabbles, etcetera, are going on around me. Thank God one of the powers Tuxedo Kamen has, is a multi-tasking brain. I can literally do several things at once with it. I can even, if I want, make people think they see a "hologram" of me, when I'm doing something else, elsewhere...and nothing, short of death, will crash ME. Eat your heart out, Bill Gates.
Anyway, as I was saying, I bet you think either one of those girls would follow me anywhere. And you'd be wrong, wrong, wrong. There is one place that even Tuxedo Kamen with the most masterful speech ever uttered, could not persuade either of those two to come willingly. The Dreaded Dentist!
It happened one typical day at the Tsukino home, when Ikuko Momma was indulging those two girls with sweets, junk food, you name it. From early morning till way late at night, they were sacked out in front of the T.V., munchies city. You never saw such happy faces, blissfully unaware of what their gluttony was doing to the pearly whites in those pretty little mouths.
Now, you might say this could happen to anyone who eats too many sweets and doesn't brush their teeth. And you'd be right. But given we have certain adversaries in the Dead Moon Circus who would like to see bad things happen to us sooner rather than later, it will not surprise you to hear that those bad girls known as the Amazon Quartet had a hand in all this.
Playful little girls, they are...but what spiteful games they play with the hapless citizens of Tokyo.
The foursome were, as usual, lounging on deck chairs in their decadent and evil tropical paradise.
It seems Palla-Palla had found herself a nice set of dolls to play with...the Ken and Barbie perfect versions of Mr. Handsome Dentist and Ms. Pretty Dental Assistant. [She had green hair but hey, we like exotic hair colours here in Tokyo-don't knock it till you've tried it. And if Usako finds out I told you this, I will deny everything, everything, do you understand?]
So anyway, Palla-Palla took out her pretty dolls and toy dental clinic set to show her master, Zirconia. "Those silly humans hate to go the dentist, and they won't stop eating what's bad for them," she told Zirconia. "If we create a dental clinic where they will have beautiful dolls staffing it, with a perfect atmosphere, and we even let them eat more bad, bad things, they'll never be able to resist us. My scheme will be perfect!"
"I approve, Palla-Palla!" replied Zirconia. "Proceed to carry out your scheme!"
So Palla-Palla brought her little dolls and her toy clinic to a suitable spot, centrally located and oh-so-convenient to Tokyo commuters. Then she tossed her magic ball into the air, sprinkled her evil pixie dust and PRESTO! CHANGO!, the clinic grew to full size, and the doll dentist and his assistant came to perfect glowing life! And it's amazing how fast that word of the beautiful new dental clinic spread around town....
Meanwhile...it is the next morning, and Usako and I and the other senshi are playing ball...a version of "Monkey In The Middle." So far, no one is out, everyone has caught the ball, but Makoto has just pitched one at me so hard that I groan when it hits my stomach. That girl doesn't know her own strength! But I digress.
Chibi Usa is watching from the sidelines, and she starts complaining...when is SHE going to be old enough to play too? Life just isn't fair. Too true, little daughter. But Makoto thoughtfully offers to make Chibi Usa feel better by buying her an ice cream. On this, Makoto, Usako, and Chibi Usa are UNANIMOUS: Life isn't fair, but eating something good is one of the best solutions around!
So, Chibi Usa bites into the chocolate cone [ummm...chocolate is one of MY weaknesses too!], and SCREAMS! In case you don't know, the decibel level when a moon princess of any age cries or screams is enough to damage most people's hearing at close range. When they REALLY get upset, the little crescent moon on their forehead starts to glow, and supersonic waves are emitted. Which is one reason Luna always tries to get Usako to stay calm and not freak out. Doesn't always work, but Luna does try...give her credit for that.
So Chibi Usa is screaming, and we're all holding our ears. As she subsides, the resourceful Ami, the future doctor, is there with her medical gear. And by golly, if she doesn't have a dentist's mirror stick at the ready...doesn't that girl come prepared for all contingencies, even when she just goes to the park to play?
So Ami pokes the mirror stick into Chibi Usa's mouth and goes TSK-TSK-TSK! A mouthful of cavities! Only one thing to do, Chibi Usa. Hie thee to a dentist, forthwith! [Sorry..I like saying things Shakespearian style now and then. ;-) ]
So now the twin tormentors, Usako and Minako, go into gleeful action. "Aha!" chortles Usako. "All those sweets you eat, Chibi Usa! It was bound to catch up to you someday. The Three O'Clock Fairy* won't save you THIS time! So now you have a Pink Sugar Cavity Attack!"
[*Author's Note: O.K. so Episode 153 took place before the Super S Movie..so sue me! I wanted to get in a dig about the silly Three O'Clock Fairy who tells Japanese Mums to make sweets for their spoiled little brats : P ]
"Ooooh! The cavity monster's got his nasty pickaxe and all your teeth are gonna rot away to smelly goo!" chimes in Minako. "Then the dentist is gonna get you with his big sharp drill! You'll see it, coming at your poor mouth. It will hurt and hurt and hurt! And there's nothing you can do about it! You are trapped in that horrible chair until he's drilled holes in your teeth, while you scream! And then you spit blood out!"
That girl has missed her calling, methinks. Minako was obviously meant to direct horror movies. Man, if this is how she talks all the time at home, I wonder how Artemis sleeps at night. No wonder he sometimes looks like he has bags under his eyes..she must make his white cat hair stand on end!
Poor Chiba Usa is terrified by these tales, of course. I don't exactly approve of all this...how will I ever get my daughter to go to the dentist as she should, if they keep saying things like this to her? But short of coming with a supply of duct tape in my pocket, just in case Usako and Minako get that wicked gleam in their eyes... [Hey, maybe that's not such a bad idea...Ami, where DO you hide all those handy supplies of YOURS?]
On the other hand, would either one of them ever speak to me again if I actually taped their mouths shut? Not worth it, Chiba Mamoru. Keep your dignified silence, as usual. Pick up the pieces later, if you can.
Wait a minute, here. Now Ami is poking her little stick in...Usako's mouth. And lo and behold, Usako is also full of cavities. Ami-chan shakes her head. "You'll have to see the dentist too, Usagi-chan...you and Chibi Usa both will have to go!"
Oh God! Stand back, everybody..guard your ears! Tsukino Usagi is in full Princess of Wails mode.
"I...HATE...THE...DENTIST...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!" Usako wails. Ahhh, yes, that could be no one but the Usako I know and love.
I don't think there was anything in the world I could have done or said to comfort my Usako at that moment. I even felt sorry for her as she described the neighbourhood dentist, an elderly man with unsteady hands and a brutal drill technique in a dark and dreary office, who hummed heartlessly as the torture session was in progress, she told us. But he was the only dentist in the area, apparently. Familiarity had not endeared this dentist to our moon princess at all. No wonder she had neglected her pearly whites way too long between treatments.
Usako made me feel so bad, I thought hard of a way to make her and the terrified Chibi Usa feel better about their unavoidable upcoming ordeal. And as fate would have it, I learned of the spanking new clinic in town, which had every modern comfort, apparently:
As you can imagine, when I told Usako about this new clinic, she was, at first, sceptical. There's no such thing as a "fun" dentist, Usako insisted. Wait and see, I told her, wait and see. Sigh. I meant well, OK? How was I to know my great clinic was only one of the Dead Moon Circus' schemes?
So picture this, my friends. Here is Chiba Mamoru, with the two girls in his life who dote on him. There they are, the two brightest constellations in MY night sky, Usa Major and Usa Minor, Big Bear and Little Bear, each one hanging off of one of my arms.... And would you believe, each one is dragging her heels into the ground, trying to pull me backwards. "No No No, Mamo-chan..not the DENTIST!!! We're NOT going and you CAN'T make us!"
I am used to being bear-hugged by both of them by this time. And normally, being cuddled by Usa Major and Usa Minor is one of the best parts about having both of them in my life. Chiba Mamoru is never alone any more...in fact, it's a bit of a trick to get some time alone. But no, I am not complaining....except, ummm, this time, I am!
Cause having to drag both of them kicking and screaming and dragging their heels is a bit hard on a guy...especially on his poor arms, even if he does take karate and is in pretty good shape. Even if he does have the physical powers of Tuxedo Kamen. Just remember, these are two moon princesses here, and their resistance is formidable. Am I up to this? [Yes, I was. But my arms were sore for a WEEK.]
So Usa and Chibi Usa are not the only ones here who suffered an ordeal. What the faithful Mamoru will not endure for the woman and the daughter he loves!
Finally [puff, puff, puff...], we arrive at the marvellous dental clinic. My eyes widen in shock. The line-up is all the way around the block, with clients of all ages waiting to get in...it looks like the opening of a blockbuster movie, or something. [I should have known anything that popular was probably loaded with dark energy, shouldn't I? The 20 - 20 hindsight and wisdom of 1000 years as King Endymion. But I didn't have that then. All I had were two very unhappy girls on my hands, whom I love dearly and I was hoping to cheer up a bit.]
So I gulp a bit, and get them into the line-up. And now the dentist comes to the back of the line with his clipboard, to take their names and tell them how long they will have to wait. What a gleaming smile that guy has, I think. Even for a dentist, he looks...good. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I catch my Usako almost drooling over this dentist..I can see she will very willingly open her mouth for this one, I think. And I don't like it all. I don't know as I should leave her alone with this guy...
Then the dental assistant comes up with a cheerful smile on her face. I don't even hear what she's saying...she is..a gorgeous doll. [Well, what else but a doll? ;-) I didn't know, O.K.?] So I say something like...what a toothsome lass! Oh-oh..I said it..out loud. Mouth in gear before brain engaged, Mamoru...baka! [Idiot!] And now my Usako is looking at me...and doing a slow burn...if looks could kill..nobody could reincarnate me from THAT look she just gave me.
I leave them both to await their appointment, and the atmosphere between Usako and I has cooled to arctic climes, shall we say. I don't know if she's ever gonna forgive me for admiring the dental assistant and saying so. I'm supposed to be the intelligent one, but although I can read my Usako's face like a book, she did not, at least, say out loud, that she liked the look of the oh-so-handsome dentist. Sometimes she is the smarter one. I know what I suspect...that she will enjoy this dentist's attentions way too much for me to like it. But she wasn't dumb enough to say what she was thinking. Like me.
Oh, Mamoru, baka, baka, baka!!! So I wander outside the clinic for a while, trying to think of ways to apologize. Tuxedo Kamen, now surely you have the perfect speech of abject apology to meet this contingency? Nope. Nope. Every one of my explanations, my excuses, sounds lame, even to me.
I know you would all have laughed at me to see me play-acting my apology in the street. Well, gee whiz, I'd been acting in a lot of college plays just then, and it seemed like a good idea at the time, to rehearse things. So I held out my arms to an imaginary Usako, and tried out my lines. Now, stop laughing, dammit!
"Oh, Usako! You know I wasn't really looking at that woman! I'm just a foooooool.. .Nah, that won't work. But Usako's always looking at other guys, too. Hmmmm. Maybe I can just pretend it didn't happen. Let's see now, I could greet her at the door, arms outstretched, and say, 'Usako! I'm so glad your teeth are better!!' Hmmmm. God, I sound like an idiot."
Hours pass [yes, it was a long, long line-up!], and the street lights come on. Hundreds of patients have gone into that clinic, and now things are silent. Funny. Nobody's come out yet. [Now if my brain had been in gear at ALL that day, I should have been alarmed long ago that no one came out, shouldn't I? You can see though, that all this guilt and jealousy had gotten me badly off my game. So much for the cool, nothing-fazes-him Tuxedo Kamen.]
So it is evening, and Chiba Mamoru [Baka!] is still trying to think of a way to get back in his Usako's good graces. I don't care if she DOES nearly rip my arm out of its socket. I want her back....on that sore arm.
Meanwhile, inside the oh-so-beautiful clinic, my Usako and my future daughter are drooling again...over the biggest spread of sweets and junk food and sheer gluttony, since that 100 item buffet restaurant I took Usako to a few weeks ago. If I had been there, I would have told them that what was there does NOT, by any means, constitute "Healthful Snacks" designed to prevent cavities! But I wasn't.
Yes, I admit it. I was consumed by jealousy. But also consumed by guilt, because I had also admired that living doll of a dental assistant. And for a few hours, guilt won out.
And then, as time passed, jealousy kicked in. Just what is taking so long in there? Just what is Mr. Ken Doll Dentist doing to my Usako? This enquiring mind had to know...now. So I did what Tuxedo Kamen is oh-so-good at...lurking and watching, without anyone knowing. And I'll tell you what I saw, at the point when I started to lurk.
Usako is comfortably ensconced in her ergonomically-designed chair and looks blissed out, grinning at GQ's Dentist-Of-The-Year. [GRRRRR!] Chibi Usa, DITTO in her cutesy chair with a friendly face on it...no, correction, Chibi Usa, unlike Usako, was not simpering at the dentist.
[Tuxedo Kamen doing slow burn in background, unseen by anyone.]
Suddenly..what the ....? There are steel cuffs springing out of the armrests on the chairs, and those cuffs have a lock on my two best girls' arms! [Almost as tight a lock as the two of them had on my arms earlier today, trying to stop me coming here. Sigh. I should have let them stop me!]
And now Palla-Palla appears, whip in hand, and tells the girls that they will now surrender their energy to the Dead Moon Circus.
Over my dead body, Palla-Palla! [One part of me is thinking..this is great! Tuxedo Kamen flies to the rescue, and now I don't have to apologize at all. I can make my trademark stern Tuxedo Kamen speech to Palla-Palla, which I know my Usako loves hearing, and we'll pretend my little lapse earlier never happened, shall we? I am also pleased to know that Mr. Handsome Dentist is only a Ken Doll after all. So, I still have the advantage of being the Real Thing. Oh, don't I feel smug!]
So I swing into action, and free both of them from the steel wrist cuffs. [Fortunately, Usako does not think to ask me just how I got here so quickly. She thinks I have some magical powers to know when she needs me. And indeed I do; there is a telepathic connection between us. But not super-speed, alas; that power, I don't have. But she doesn't need to know that the reason I was able to come to her rescue this fast, was through the formidable powers of...jealousy.]
Yes, you're right. I was too damn smug. I was about due for someone to knock me over, wasn't I? So of course, Palla-Palla did just that.
Palla-Palla looks just like a silly little girl, but that didn't stop her from knocking me over with her big beach ball and sitting on me. OOOOOF!! For the second time today, some girl has socked me hard in the stomach. Lemme tell you, this day has not been good for my ego.
As I'm lying there helpless, I see the Giant ToothPaste Tube From Hell approaching my Usako and Chibi Usa. The rotten youma [no I guess rotten is the wrong word, isn't it?..try that again]...the Polished ToothPaste Rogue, eyes gleaming evilly, [ahhh, better!] bears down on the trembling twosome, with a nasty drill pointing right at Usako's mouth! Could anything be more horrifying? No, I don't think so, either. As it happens, the terrifying drill isn't anywhere near Chibi Usa's mouth, and just the idea of it is enough to set her off.
My eyes snap open at the next sight...two crescent moons are beginning to glow, neon bright, on two foreheads. Duck for cover, ToothPaste Youma. You have no idea what's about to hit you, with atomic force. Two Moon Princesses of Wails...supersonic, shattering sound waves of anguish, in Digital Stereo.
Seismic force 9 on the Richter scale, I would estimate. The whole damn place is shaking. Youma is...DUSTED. [If you're wondering..yes, that top hat I wear does shut out some of the noise..it has more uses than you know. ;-) ]
And oh-oh, forgot about the oh-so-pretty and soothing aquarium walls...the glass is shattering under the aggrieved combined onslaught of Sailor Moon and Sailor Chibi Moon's crying powers. And the beautiful clinic is flooded into ruins. [Can't say I'm sorry...rotten-to-the-core Ken Doll Dentist...those gleaming white teeth lie...you are only a Plastic Person after all, in a Plastic Surreal Toy Clinic. Hey, that was a good Tuxedo Kamen speech, wasn't it?]
Dangerous, dangerous females-never, never make them cry. I certainly know better than to do that myself. But obviously, Palla-Palla doesn't. Fortunately for us ;-) .
The clinic and its *staff* have disappeared now. I find myself lying in the parking lot, next to a broken doll...the very dental assistant I thought was so cute. Mortified about describes my feelings, shall we say.
Then, I help my bedraggled Usas Major and Minor to their feet. Usako is properly grateful, has forgotten and forgiven all, and leans up to me for a kiss. Oh-oh. Is there any way I can put this in print, politely, delicately? No, sigh, there isn't. Her breath...!
I put a hand to her chin and open Usako's mouth [Yes, I know you're never supposed to look gift horses in the mouth. But she is NOT a horse, she is the woman I love, even if she does have ummm, a certain problem at the moment, that makes her less than kissable, for the time being. And sometimes, looking after her, caring about her, means I have to do some things that are not fun.]
Oh, man! Cavity city!
I shake my head at her. Usako, you STILL need to see a dentist. Of course, Chibi Usa, same problem. Neither one of them have had a real dentist do some fillings yet.
So the next morning, guess what my pleasant duty is? You got it! Chiba Mamoru, lending moral support to his two unhappy Princesses, at the office of the dentist Usako hates so much. It is not an inspiring place at all, and I can hear his awful humming in the waiting room, even with the door closed.
Wonder if holding her hand would help? I doubt it. So I wait outside as each of them undergoes the dreaded but necessary... Dark Day at the Dreaded Dentist.
Chibi Mamoru and Tuxedo Kamen have never wished so much that they could be elsewhere, anywhere on my Planet, than to have to listen to Usako and Chibi Usa HOWL.
The things you do for love. Sweatdrop city, man. Sweatdrop city.
Special thanks to my beloved "Lil Sis" Jen Wand, for getting me this ROTFL Sailor Moon video, my personal vote for the funniest of the 200 episodes. This is my way of saying Domo Arigatou, Jen. No doubt my dialogue doesn't precisely match the Japanese originals. But maybe you like MY script better, ne?